My name is Tawny. I was born and raised in a mountain town in southern California. I have a wonderful family and great friends who have all supported me through every phase of my life. I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions in life and the result of those decisions is me living at home at the age of 30. I suppose I’m just lost, and being at home with people I love offers comfort. It is very difficult to follow a path to a dream when you’re not sure you have a dream.
I’m college “educated,” and would be lying if I said I’m reaping any of the benefits of that endeavor. I’ve wandered in and out of lives unfulfilling individuals. The most recent example had an abrupt and upsetting ending to a long and disappointing relationship. Those people deserve no other mention than that. I’ve been on many adventures but they still aren’t enough. I need more. Though I am still learning much about myself, one thing I have come to find is that I become discontent and restless if there is nothing happening in my life.
I lost my thirst for life several times between 2005 and 2016 and the absense of that thirst left me bitter and angry. I found myself waking up from that coma some time last year and now that I have my thirst back, I’m going to fight to keep it. That is what pushed me to plan my upcoming journey. Really, it pushed me to begin the plans for several journeys. I’m not sure if it is just my restlessness speaking, but I don’t feel like I belong in my life. I want to see the world and make a difference, but I feel like I’m stuck in my little corner of the world. I’m not built to slave away at a 9 to 5 where I’m not appreciated. I don’t care about wealth or status. I don’t have that young-person ambition to chase the American dream. My dream is to live without debt. To jump from place to place to discover new worlds, new viewpoints, new experiences. My dream is to work to live, not live to work. And if a fulfilling life means I’m penniless ’til I die, so be it. I believe that we feel the need to buy stupid things to fill a hole caused by a life that isn’t fulfilling. That is not a life for me and I am tired of living that way.
My friend and I began to make a “30’s Bucket List.” I haven’t read hers, but mine includes things like “Hiking the Inca Trail,” “Major Volunteer Work,” “Hike the Pacific Crest Trail.” My 30’s will be nothing like my 20’s. I’m not more established or anything like that, I just have just resolved not to be weighed down by pointless things and empty relationships. The first I will check off my bucket list is to hike the Pacific Crest trail and religiously write about it.
I must admit that I have been procrastinating on starting my blog because, over the years, I have lost my voice. I used to believe I had something worth hearing or reading, but the past several years have been hard on my confidence. This begins my journey, not just physically, but also emotionally. I will be working to find myself. Of course, it is cliché for anyone to endure a peregrination for the sake of finding oneself, but that’s okay. This journey isn’t for anyone but me. This isn’t a blog offering up advice or meaningful wisdom. This is simply a journal blog for my family and friends to keep up with my meanderings. If I finally find my voice, perhaps it will make for an interesting story as well.